Newness of life

2018 ended with a grinding, gasping, crushing sound in my little world.

I found out a couple weeks before Christmas that a registered sex offender had been living downstairs from me, and although his crime was 20 years ago and had nothing to do with children, he had somehow violated whatever parole he was on. I saw the Staties leading him to a police cruiser as I returned home from work one night. I made eye contact with him; he threw me this sad little smile. I'd known for some time that he was lost and drifting, very nervous and paranoid. Now I know why. I pray for him because he seemed gentle but lost, not evil by any stretch. But it was distressing, and since I'd just moved into the apartment in October and had experienced quite a difficult transition, even more jarring.

A few days after that, I discovered some very disturbing news about someone who once meant a great deal to me. The reverberations of this are still rippling through me. My judgment of character, someone else's morally questionable choices, another someone else's moral depravity... sorry to be so obtuse. Suffice it to say that this is another challenge to rise above. The drama that encircled this situation several years ago has resurfaced, only now I'm confidently aware that I am not a part of the drama. I'm not even an onlooker. Because I've walked away from all that with my heart filled with love for a God who will see justice served where and how it needs to be. And a God whose mercy and justice are one in the same. And yet... I'm human. 

2019 began in a monastery for me, and although my desire to become a religious sister / nun has not at all abated in my almost-7 years of discernment, it's started to dawn on me that perhaps that might not be my calling. Because really, after almost 7 years and fruitless attempts to solve the Student Loan Dilemma, perhaps there is another life I'm supposed to live here. I'm not giving up on this inner pull toward consecrated life. But I am spending more time and energy living the life I have now.

Parts of a whole.

Part of that has been to join the local community orchestra. I went to my first rehearsal the other night. It was fantastic! I'm happy to be playing in the 2nd violin section. I'd had a great deal of anxiety going into it, at first. I was WAY out of practice and out of shape. But all my training and experience of the past kicked in immediately. It was like speaking a language that I hadn't spoken in many years. Yeah, I missed a bunch of runs and cues (I was sight-reading) but now I have the music to practice at home. Playing music is in my blood, and it's a part of me that was shut away for too long. I am grateful to God that I have this ability inherited from my mom and dad, and that my dear mother bought me a violin to replace the antique instrument that was destroyed at music camp all those years ago. Thank you, Mom! Jan. 22 will be the 10 year anniversary of my mother's death. I can't think of a better tribute to her than to be playing violin in an ensemble again.

I've also decided it's high time I make another little video. A good friend of mine, who isn't Christian, for some reason watched my video meditation on the Sacred Heart of Jesus, Desire of the Everlasting Hills, and texted encouragement to make more little films. Now that I live by the river, there is a lot of natural beauty and drama that I can capture and place within some kind of narrative or poetic context. And/or, I have footage from Korea and Ireland that I can re-contextualize. And my awesome filmmaker friend who helped me make Desire of the Everlasting Hills has offered to help again. What providence that while we were both in L.A. when I made that film, we are now both in the same geographic region here in the mid-Atlantic states.

Last thing is that my Space: 1999 novel is back on track. Black Doves will be finished this year if it kills me!  Keep an eye out for announcements about that from Powys Media later this year.

And so as you can see, no "new year resolutions" but certainly things that I'm doing. I'm just doing them. I renewed my membership at the YW to get back in the pool. So I'll just do that. No pressure, just living a life that I can lead here while I'm here. If God opens a door to be someplace else, then I'll just do that. I'm done looking backwards and navel gazing at all the ways I've screwed things up or how my personality has this flaw or that flaw. Yah. I'm human. Made in God's own image and likeness. So there.