The View Up Here

2018 ended with a grinding, gasping, crushing sound in my little world. I found out a couple weeks before Christmas that a registered sex offender had been living downstairs from me, and although his crime was 20 years ago and had nothing to do with children, he had somehow violated whatever parole he was on. I saw the Staties leading him to a police cruiser as I returned home from work one night. I made eye contact with him; he threw me this sad little smile. I'd known for some time that he was lost and drifting, very nervous and paranoid. Now I know why. I pray for him because he seemed gentle but lost, not evil by any stretch. But it was distressing, and since I'd just moved into the apartment in October and had experienced quite a difficult transition, even more jarring. A few days after that, I discovered some very disturbing news about someone who once meant a great deal to me. The reverberations of this are still rippling through me. My judgment of character, so...

As I've continued to understand myself in this process of discernment, I've realized that it is essential for me to live a life where the Liturgy of the Hours (aka the Divine Office) are prayed. The reasons are several, and I understand them to be universal, not tied to my own personal preference. We are called to pray unceasingly by Jesus Christ. Sanctifying the hours of the day permeates what we do, who we are, and how we love one another. Stopping our work to pray is a reorientation toward God against the temptation to make our work about us, rather than about the Kingdom. The Benedictine Ora et Labora isn't just a simple "prayer and work" translation; rather, prayer is work/work is prayer and it all points to God's will. The classic Catholic both/and, in other words. Prayer informs our ministry, ministry informs our prayer. There is an ebb and flow here, not a "now we do this" and "now we do that" binary concept. In the short...

Friends,  I will be going to visit two more communities at the end of this month and beginning of June. They are the Religious of the Assumption and the Visitation Nuns . Both communities are beautiful. They are also quite different, although the founder of the Religious of the Assumption, St. Marie Eugenie, had her early formation in a Visitation monastery , so there is a connection as far as spirituality and charism. Neither community is Benedictine. They are both spiritualities of the heart (Religious of the Assumption being Augustinian, and the Visitation nuns being Salesian and the historical setting of the devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus). In the Benedictine charism I have found balance and a call to simplicity, openness and the desert spirituality. But... I may be seeking for more than that. A "feminine genius" as Pope Francis has named it, perhaps not found with the Benedictines as I have experienced them. I may find this elsewhere or I may discover it...

Another Purple Liturgical Season is upon us. I look out my window at Stella - Nor'easter Stella, that is, not my Aunt Stella, may she Rest in Peace *makes Sign of the Cross* and I think how fortunate I am that I got to:  a) work from home during the two days of this storm, and b) watch St. Francis measuring the powdery snow (not the heavy wet stuff that was predicted, thank you, Jesus). 3/14/17 at 9:18 a.m.                 3/15/17 6:32 p.m.   After getting my work done and filing my taxes today (yay, me!) I hopped onto Twitter and discovered an article that encapsulates many of my past ramblings. First, I'll hit you with a quote: If you can’t see God’s will in the present moment, right where you’re standing, and embrace it then and there, you’ll never discover it for the future. Now please go read the rest of the article here .   On Friday, I will take one more turn around the block of discerning a re...

A couple weekends ago, I went on a vocation discernment retreat with the Benedictine Sisters of Elizabeth, NJ. It was a beautiful weekend away, and I came home with a renewed intimacy with Jesus. I accept that as long as I am in the world serving in ministry, I need a monthly renewal retreat. That had been a long time coming after months of ministry with no time set aside for God alone outside the normal every day routines. I won't make that mistake again! I am still discerning my life path and listening. What is Jesus whispering to my heart? For now, I am in Elmira, praying and striving to be present as I help prepare young people for the Sacrament of Confirmation, hold a bi-weekly women's prayer group, and bring Holy Communion to the homebound. I am drawn to the woods, to quiet nature. I am drawn to water in any form - stream, brook, river, lake, ocean. I am drawn to silence and certainly to contemplative prayer. I am drawn to rhythms, seasons, pulses, not the unrelentin...

Normally around this time, I do a wrap up of the year in my own life and estimation. Although I don't remember if I did one last year. Anyway, I'm resuming the tradition.  After spending the Christmas holiday with my family, I arrived home last night to find a pile of Christmas cards awaiting me in the mail box. I had anticipated this and was delighted to open cards from friends and family in other states as well as right here in Elmira. What I wasn't prepared for was a letter tucked into a card from my friend Fr. David, a Trappist in Utah. His letter held some sad news, including the death of their Guestmaster, lay brother Michael. Michael was my first contact at Holy Trinity Abbey, where I spent many a retreat weekend during my year in Salt Lake City, and we had quickly become friends. I will always remember his New Jersey baritone, "We all love you, honey. We're praying for you."  So last night after doing laundry and watering my plants, I made my ...

Much has happened in these last few months. Jesus has been whispering in my ear... In a nutshell, I am now the Confirmation and Adolescent Catechesis/Youth Ministry Administrator for the Elmira Catholic Churches. That's right - I'm back in Elmira, the place I despised for so many years. I came here to visit last summer, and the lure was instant - somehow it felt all glowy and attractive. Now that I'm here, the vibe is even stronger. I am where God has longed for me to be! My work is precious and wonderful, and my lifestyle is more beautiful than I could have imagined. I live at the bottom of a wooded hill, close to work. I can easily buy local produce, hit the Wegmans for necessities, walk along the river, hang out at Harris Hill to watch the gliders take off, and best of all, I am a few minutes' drive from Mount Saviour Monastery (Benedictine monks). Compline (Night Prayer) at Mount Saviour Monastery. The freedom I feel inside is indescribable and bea...

Monastery of St. Clare I am beginning the third week of my live-in at the Monastery of St. Clare. These two weeks were sadly interrupted by a trip back to Elmira this past week to attend the funeral of my dear Aunt Stella, who was 94. The emotion of processing her death, the weight of grieving, as well as the joy of seeing so many of my cousins I hadn't seen in years, all of it, was very overwhelming. Yesterday I took a quiet day at the monastery (not doing work during the work periods), and today being Sunday is also a quiet afternoon. Tomorrow I will be back to the regular horarium (schedule).  In the midst of all this, my relationship with Jesus is central. I am living the reality now that no matter what I am called to in this life, my relationship with Jesus is central. It's so easy to say those words, to nod and even say "Well...duh." But living that truth is the challenge of Christian life. In the sea of confusion, emotion, choices, and anguish is the ...

Over the past few months, I've had many interactions with friends of mine that go way back - 20, 25, even 35 years - and they have asked some very good questions about this whole "discerning a vocation" business. I also picked up that a few of them had some concerns, which is a natural reaction, I think, if the process and the spiritual life inherent in the process is unfamiliar to them. Not to mention the actual concept of monastic or religious life. And for some, me returning to the Catholic faith and wanting to live a life within that context has been troubling. With all this in mind, I figured it might be good to do an FAQ.  Please click on the links I've provided for more info on specific topics and experiences. If you have any other questions, please send me a comment. Thanks for reading! 1.   I have been discerning a religious vocation (to become a sister or a nun) for almost four years, now. In that time, I have met with several and very different re...

As you know if you read this blog, I am discerning a religious vocation, which means that I feel the call to become a religious sister. A nun, actually, meaning that I am called to contemplative life. Daughters of Charity of St. Vincent DePaul http://stpatricksconventschool.blogspot.com /2012/03/three-nuns-at-ball-game.html Some folks, well many folks, still think of nuns as circa 1955 with flying buttresses on their heads, vows of silence, self-flagellation, and other eerie and dysfunctional behaviors. For certain, there were some practices that have been done away with. Others never really existed in the first place.  Active apostolate sisters have been out in the world with and without modified habits for longer than you think. But contemplatives are still out there too, in monasteries both rural and urban. I encourage you to look around in your local diocese or archdiocese for women's monastic orders and get to know them by going to Mass there, or even staying ove...

Tomorrow is Passion (Palm) Sunday, the start of Holy Week. I'm very pleased to be singing in choir at my parish, and I hope that the experience will remain an inspiring one through the coming months. I believe it was St. Augustine who first commented that "A person who sings prays twice."   I haven't written here much since I've been busy with work (a full time job and an on-going string of free lance editing for which I am very grateful). A quick update: I'm still on track for paying off my last piece of personal debt by the end of June. Yay! I will be returning to NYS mid-June for my cousin's ordination (he is becoming a Catholic priest). At that time I will visit friends and family, and nose around some of my old stomping grounds in Elmira.  I will also be visiting the Transfiguration Monastery in Windsor, NY when I'm back for my summer visit. I'm very excited about finding them; interestingly, they were founded around the same time...

As it so happens, gentle readers, I am home from work after having my first root canal surgery, and I am taking some pretty good pain killers, so forgive me if my thoughts stray here. OTC ibuprofen doesn't seem to be enough to do the job, so 800 mg combined with acetaminophen and hydrocodone are in effect. As you can see, there have been some changes here - most notably my old domain "fred in the can" is gone. Time to put that one to rest; I've been using it with my films and writing since the mid-90s. The View Up Here is appropriate in more ways than one. I am living my life in a different way, from a different place, the Heart of Christ, plus I'm now living in Utah, which as the license plate boasts, is where one can live "life elevated." But, as most of you know, I prefer life at sea level. My visit home to Massachusetts for Christmas and New Year's was glorious. I was able to spend time with my family, and I had some time for discer...

It's late (for me), and I'm tired, but I wanted to jot a few thoughts down. On Oct. 1 we celebrated St. Therese, and three days later on the fourth, we celebrated St. Francis. I sometimes wonder if I'm called to Franciscan spirituality. Is there such a thing as a Franciscan/Carmelite hybrid community? If there is one, please sign me up. Here in Utah, and at my job at the cemetery, I am surrounded by God's beautiful creation. I constantly hear Him calling me to "come outside and play (or pray)!" This has been the case since I was a child scampering in the trees and dashing through puddles in our yard on the South Shore. These days, I am quite literally living the vow of "Lady Poverty" I took 2 years ago (as well as obedience to God's will, and a celibate life of inclusive love). I live for daily Mass, for spending just a few moments with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament every morning. Honestly, I couldn't get through my days without Him...