The View Up Here

I'm now in Day Three of living my Rule of Life. After working on this and receiving the blessing of my spiritual director, I began to live in an intentional way according to my Rule of Life on the Feast of St. Elijah. You might ask what a rule of life is, and well you may. Essentially, a rule of life is a means by which someone comes closer to God (or really, to any desired outcome, I suppose) by virtue of lifestyle and daily schedule. The trick to all of this is to keep it reasonable in what the individual (in this case, myself) is able to sustain. The point isn't to set oneself up with an impossible standard that will constantly be disappointed. For instance, part of my Rule of Life is to go to Mass every day possible. At first, I tried to appoint certain Mass times for each day of the week, but it immediately became clear to me that in summer, those early Mass times might not always be attainable. I am not concerned with what time or where I go to Mass as much as getting to ...

The answer, of course, is yes. Everyone around me seems so relieved that summer is over and can't wait for fall to look like fall. Not me. I barely noticed the summer months because I was immersed in discernment, decision making, and moving. I tried to move to Massachusetts, but interviews and trips out there notwithstanding, it didn't happen. In fact, I wasted a whole lotta time worrying about that. As if... as if Jesus weren't right here, as if God doesn't have a plan for me, as if he's not guiding me. I am sometimes haunted by the past, which as we know, doesn't exist. What God has forgiven, what right have we to keep dredging up? Renounce it and stay with God in the sacrament of the now. Ultimately, I made my peace with staying where I am with the parish in Elmira, but I did end up moving apartments (not without some drama involving mice, a parking ticket, and random weirdness in my new neighborhood - but that's for another post!). In June I mad...

A couple weekends ago, I went on a vocation discernment retreat with the Benedictine Sisters of Elizabeth, NJ. It was a beautiful weekend away, and I came home with a renewed intimacy with Jesus. I accept that as long as I am in the world serving in ministry, I need a monthly renewal retreat. That had been a long time coming after months of ministry with no time set aside for God alone outside the normal every day routines. I won't make that mistake again! I am still discerning my life path and listening. What is Jesus whispering to my heart? For now, I am in Elmira, praying and striving to be present as I help prepare young people for the Sacrament of Confirmation, hold a bi-weekly women's prayer group, and bring Holy Communion to the homebound. I am drawn to the woods, to quiet nature. I am drawn to water in any form - stream, brook, river, lake, ocean. I am drawn to silence and certainly to contemplative prayer. I am drawn to rhythms, seasons, pulses, not the unrelentin...

Thank you for those who sent in more questions! Here are my best attempts at answering them. 1. "Anonymous" asked about celibacy , especially for a person who had led a sexually active life in the past. It's one thing to enter a celibate lifestyle as a virgin, it's another to have been married, etc. and then choose a life of consecrated celibacy. What about the aspect of being "best friends" with your husband - the emotional intimacy, private jokes, etc. How does one give that up or explain to a younger woman that she is giving all that up if she wants to be a nun? These are excellent points and questions, and they speak to a few truths about living the celibate life.  The celibate life is only a good thing if you are called to it! This is part of what is discerned by the woman and the proposed community. If someone who is called to live married life tries to live a celibate life, she probably will become bitter and won't be best able to liv...

Over the past few months, I've had many interactions with friends of mine that go way back - 20, 25, even 35 years - and they have asked some very good questions about this whole "discerning a vocation" business. I also picked up that a few of them had some concerns, which is a natural reaction, I think, if the process and the spiritual life inherent in the process is unfamiliar to them. Not to mention the actual concept of monastic or religious life. And for some, me returning to the Catholic faith and wanting to live a life within that context has been troubling. With all this in mind, I figured it might be good to do an FAQ.  Please click on the links I've provided for more info on specific topics and experiences. If you have any other questions, please send me a comment. Thanks for reading! 1.   I have been discerning a religious vocation (to become a sister or a nun) for almost four years, now. In that time, I have met with several and very different re...

Tomorrow is Passion (Palm) Sunday, the start of Holy Week. I'm very pleased to be singing in choir at my parish, and I hope that the experience will remain an inspiring one through the coming months. I believe it was St. Augustine who first commented that "A person who sings prays twice."   I haven't written here much since I've been busy with work (a full time job and an on-going string of free lance editing for which I am very grateful). A quick update: I'm still on track for paying off my last piece of personal debt by the end of June. Yay! I will be returning to NYS mid-June for my cousin's ordination (he is becoming a Catholic priest). At that time I will visit friends and family, and nose around some of my old stomping grounds in Elmira.  I will also be visiting the Transfiguration Monastery in Windsor, NY when I'm back for my summer visit. I'm very excited about finding them; interestingly, they were founded around the same time...

It's late (for me), and I'm tired, but I wanted to jot a few thoughts down. On Oct. 1 we celebrated St. Therese, and three days later on the fourth, we celebrated St. Francis. I sometimes wonder if I'm called to Franciscan spirituality. Is there such a thing as a Franciscan/Carmelite hybrid community? If there is one, please sign me up. Here in Utah, and at my job at the cemetery, I am surrounded by God's beautiful creation. I constantly hear Him calling me to "come outside and play (or pray)!" This has been the case since I was a child scampering in the trees and dashing through puddles in our yard on the South Shore. These days, I am quite literally living the vow of "Lady Poverty" I took 2 years ago (as well as obedience to God's will, and a celibate life of inclusive love). I live for daily Mass, for spending just a few moments with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament every morning. Honestly, I couldn't get through my days without Him...

I started writing this while I was in Carmel for my three week live-in... Anyone who thinks that living in a monastery is like being on vacation with nothing to do but gaze at the sky (or one's navel) and float piously down polished hallways and golden garden paths has never lived in a monastery. That being said, the hallways are pretty well polished, and while the garden paths aren't without tufts of grass and dried leaves, they are beautiful to behold. Keeping up an 88-year old monastery is hard work, and despite the physical limitations of several of the older sisters, things get done. There is help, of course, with regular workmen to do the heavy duty stuff like tree-trimming and painting, but by and large, these women live in community with each other, with God as their center, and hard work is part of the package. This is no house of laziness or effete living. I've been here almost two weeks, with one week and a half left to go. I've settled in fairl...

My, my, my how time flies. The school year has ended, all my work is done. Tomorrow I leave for two splendid weeks of discernment, living in a Carmelite monastery in San Diego, across these three beautiful feasts of the Church. Can it be true? How did I get here? I hardly know... except to say by the magnificent, grandiose, spoil-me-rotten grace of God. I have specifically been asking to know the Holy Spirit more intimately. Holy Spirit is, to my mind, "the mover and the shaker" in the Trinity. The Father is Creator and Being, Jesus Messiah is Redeemer and Rest, and it is in His Body that I rest. So we have upcoming: Pentecost Sunday, Holy Trinity Sunday, and the Feast of the Most Holy Body and Blood of Christ (Corpus Christi). In fact it was exactly one year ago on Trinity Sunday that I first went to to the Carmel to visit - Carmel of the Most Holy Trinity. Come, Holy Spirit, come! The past year was really rough - those girls got to my heart and I ached and I spilled...

The journey of discerning God's will for me continues.  I still feel the draw to contemplative life, but I question it at the same time. Why? For one thing, I won't know until I actually am able to live the life in some kind of trial/live-in experience. There's still much about this journey that I'm not clear on because I just don't have enough first hand information, and that takes time. I know I want to be a consecrated religious, a little spouse of Jesus. That's about all I know for sure. Carmelite? Love love love Carmelite spirituality. Cloister? Not so sure. Franciscan? Love love love Franciscan spirituality. Active apostolate? Not so sure. I'm starting to understand on some level that what I desire is balance: contemplative and active apostolates in fruitful harmony.  "St. Francis Starry Night" by Sue Betanzos See (and buy) more of this artist's work here: http://fineartamerica.com/profiles/sue-betanzos.html And I feel that a...

The weekend with the Carmelites was restful, but at the same time, intensive (as discernment often is). I went into the weekend hoping to "learn" and "more deeply understand" my vocation. I was disappointed in these expectations. Which is to say, I got out of the weekend exactly what I needed to! Huh? My focus right now needs to be on the here and now. Is God calling me to Carmel? He very well might be. But right now I can't enter. It's not time, I have stuff to do, and I also have to build relationship with the Carmel I hope to enter. So many things are accomplished at once: I work, pay off debt, serve the Kingdom, build relationships with the Sisters, allow them to know me and me to know them, and of course I continue writing and above all, deepening my prayer and spiritual life. At first, I felt like I came away from the weekend with more question marks, but then I realized that I'd been driving 110 mph with my hand white-knuckling the steeri...

This weekend, I will be staying with the Carmelites of San Diego for my third visit. I am still feeling this calling, but I also hear other "voices"... should I be a teacher? how much should I invest in having a writing career? I am not even sure what kind of writing it is I feel most drawn to. Whatever it is I write, I want to build the Kingdom of God, not serve my own myopic purposes. This is a time of clarifying and refining, and I need your prayers, so if you're the praying kind, please give a shout out for me, 'kay? Church of the Carmelite monastery in San Diego https://polemically.wordpress.com/2006/06/26/discalced-carmelite-monastery-san-diego/ My only prayer is that God's will be done in and through me. Feeling joy with what I'm doing is an indication that I am fulfilling part of my purpose here (as it is with everyone!). I feel like I can teach and write m'okay fine. But the thing that really makes me want to get up and go is prayer. Most p...

It's been quite a week. Had the flu last week, missed a lot, had to catch up. This week had its own challenges, and I found myself again tossed and rolled in the rapids. I don't mean to sound like a drama queen, but the only word for how I was reacting to the events of the week was "suffering." I've been praying for months to learn how to suffer. Because we know that this world is not perfect, we know that we can expect a certain amount of suffering. But what do we do with that suffering? Do we simply bitch and moan? Cause that's what I usually do! Admit it...how many of us complain, whine, have a couple drinks at the end of the day because "today was too much" or "my life sucks" or "why is this (insert bad thing) happening to me?" The human condition, right? Doesn't matter who you are, how much you own, who is in your family, where you live, what language you speak, who you pray to (or if you pray), or how much you plan. Th...

I realize, of course, that I am lamentably behind in blogging. However, it is a new year, and there are new situations and dispositions in my life that will hopefully help me to be more prolific here. I usually wrap up the old year before delving into my hopes for the new year, so here we go: 2013 Our Lady of Mt. Carmel Last year was very much about letting go of the illusion of control and surrendering completely to God.  It was also about recognizing that my charism is Carmelite , marked by simplicity. Sometimes God closes doors to open a new portal for us to walk through; other times, He asks us to close the door ourselves so that we are free to walk through the next door He has already opened for us. In April, I was not hired back for the permanent position at Ithaca College Los Angeles, but the very next month, I was offered a job as an administrative assistant for a Catholic high school. In July, my father-in-law passed away, and that very same week, my divorce was...