Will those leaves ever fall?

The answer, of course, is yes. Everyone around me seems so relieved that summer is over and can't wait for fall to look like fall. Not me. I barely noticed the summer months because I was immersed in discernment, decision making, and moving.

I tried to move to Massachusetts, but interviews and trips out there notwithstanding, it didn't happen. In fact, I wasted a whole lotta time worrying about that. As if... as if Jesus weren't right here, as if God doesn't have a plan for me, as if he's not guiding me. I am sometimes haunted by the past, which as we know, doesn't exist. What God has forgiven, what right have we to keep dredging up? Renounce it and stay with God in the sacrament of the now.

Ultimately, I made my peace with staying where I am with the parish in Elmira, but I did end up moving apartments (not without some drama involving mice, a parking ticket, and random weirdness in my new neighborhood - but that's for another post!).

In June I made a 2-week visit to the Carmel in Danvers, MA. I have applied for entrance and am now officially an "aspirant" who hopes and prays to enter that community some time in the 2nd half of 2019. I am committed to seeing my Confirmation teens through their Sacrament next May, and then God only knows how things are going to play out after that.

I'm also now fully committed to seeking assistance in paying my student loan debt so that I am free to enter the Carmel. This would likely be assistance in making payments while I'm in formation, so that if I were to discern out, the loan balance would still be there with my name on it. It's an act of humility to ask for help - especially monetary help. But I believe it's part of my discernment. How important is it to me to get to Carmel? Will I ask for help or just let it all slide by with no decisions needed? Jesus asks me to decide, and so this is my response right now.

I admit I've avoided this step until now because I wanted to be sure my attraction to Carmel wasn't just "my plan" and that I wasn't engaging "Elena, Project Manager of Life" mode rather than actually discerning. The last few days and hours have shown me that in fact, now is the acceptable time, and I don't have to be afraid of going after my heart's desire, for it was placed there by God, himself. 

Today is the Feast Day of St. Margaret Mary Aloqoque, to whom Jesus gave the devotion to his Sacred Heart to promulgate. Her words are very appropriate:

But above all preserve peace of heart. This is more valuable than any treasure. In order to preserve it there is nothing more useful than renouncing your own will and substituting for it the will of the divine heart.