First Friday of 2014

I realize, of course, that I am lamentably behind in blogging. However, it is a new year, and there are new situations and dispositions in my life that will hopefully help me to be more prolific here.

I usually wrap up the old year before delving into my hopes for the new year, so here we go:

2013

Our Lady of Mt. Carmel

Last year was very much about letting go of the illusion of control and surrendering completely to God. It was also about recognizing that my charism is Carmelite, marked by simplicity. Sometimes God closes doors to open a new portal for us to walk through; other times, He asks us to close the door ourselves so that we are free to walk through the next door He has already opened for us. In April, I was not hired back for the permanent position at Ithaca College Los Angeles, but the very next month, I was offered a job as an administrative assistant for a Catholic high school. In July, my father-in-law passed away, and that very same week, my divorce was made final. I ministered to my mother-in-law and thanked God for the peace that finally settled on my ex-husband's family.

In August, I started teaching World Literature to high school sophomores at Holy Family, a new and exhilarating challenge. I don't think this is my life-long calling, but it's where I need to be right now for those girls. Two months later, my roommate moved out, which was extremely hard to accept. I had grown so emotionally dependent upon her in a way I had never realized. Not "co-dependent," but very entwined, nevertheless. After all, when I moved to L.A. on the heels of the break up, it was my roommate who caught me in free fall, gave me a place to live, and introduced me to her church when Jesus came knocking at my heart.

Barely two months after her departure to the San Francisco area for work, only 2 weeks before Christmas, I lost my beloved Spaz Kitteh. She had been diagnosed with an enlarged heart in late summer, but with medication, she lived six more awesome months. I came home on a Friday to find her yelping in pain, her back legs paralyzed. I immediately took her to the vets, but there was nothing that could be done. A blood clot had passed to her back legs, and she was on the verge of congestive heart failure. It was the hardest decision of my entire life.

Change. Loss. Surrender. God has been gently disentangling my attachments, preparing me for life with Him alone.

I was able to at long last spend Christmas Eve with my family in Massachusetts this year, something which I have not been able to do since my niece and nephews were born. Although I was ill with a chest cold (and heavily dependent upon Mucinex) I enjoyed every moment and offered it to the Beloved. Indeed the same for Christmas Day, spent with my brother and his wife. However, in keeping with the theme of disentangling attachments, my nephew's family became ill with flu and pink eye after Christmas, so I was unable to visit them again during my trip. This, too, I offered up, though of course I was disappointed for both them and myself.

While in Rockland, I did spend a lot of time with my dearest friend and her little girl, which was a blessing for all of us. Lastly, I got to hang out in the church where I made my First Confession and First Holy Communion (also Holy Family, BTW), and that was moving and, to borrow one of St. Teresa of Avila's favorite adjectives, "delectable."

2013 also brought back with perfect clarity a very crucial aspect of self-knowledge: I am a creative visionary, not an administrative paper pusher! Now those of you who know me are rolling your eyes going "Well DUH Elena!" Yes, 'Duh' indeed. But I had to realize the raw truth of this; I had to experience this in an almost brutal manner. And I recognize that the gifts God has blessed me with are those which I must nurture, explore, and express (as do all of us!). Thus, I have let go of the administrative assistant position, while still teaching at Holy Family, and I will be starting as a Writing Consultant at Azusa Pacific University, in addition to renewing my writing and filmmaking endeavors (which has already begun!)

Which leads me into...2014

New life, new beginnings, new roommate, new jobs. And my hope, my prayer, is that I will be able to enter religious life by the end of this year. God knows I have work to do, but God's will be done in all things. Will I enter Carmel? Or another community? Or not at all? I don't know. I'm doing my best to take one step at a time, staying with Him, not getting ahead of grace, relying on Him in all things. In the early part of this year, I will obtain my annulment through the Church and change my legal name back to my own name. Transformation, transfiguration! Alleluia!

The Sacred Heart of Jesus by Salvador Dali

Today is "First Friday" of the month, the day set aside to honor the Sacred Heart of Jesus, and it also happens to be the first Friday of 2014. I was fortunate to be able to go to Mass at noon and stay for the Rosary, Divine Mercy Chaplet, and Adoration.

I'll close with a prayer that one of the Carmelites in Boston sent to me for New Year's Day:

+
O Jesus,
 I see this New Year as a blank page that your Father is giving me,
upon which He will write day by day what He has arranged
 for me in His divine pleasure.
With full confidence I am writing
 at the top of the page from now on:
 Lord do with me what you will.
 And at the bottom I have already put my ‘Amen’
To  every disposition of your divine will.
Yes, O Lord, I say ‘Yes’ to all the joys, to all the sorrows,
 to all the graces, to all the hardships that you have prepared
for me and will be revealing to me day by day.
 Let my ‘Amen’ be the Paschal Amen, always followed by Alleluia,
 uttered with all my heart in the joy of perfect giving.
Give me your love and your grace and I shall be rich enough.
  ~Sr. Carmela of the Holy Spirit