The other day I was laughing at myself for "pulling an Elsie," which is what I call doing something that was typical of my mother, Elsie. I had to go search for a half-empty cup of coffee that I'd left in the bedroom (which was by now cold), after realizing I'd poured it, consumed half of it, and then left it somewhere.

Viceroy gives you all the cancer,
all the time

The only difference between Elsie and me is that she would have two or three of these half-empty cold cups of coffee strewn in various rooms of the house, and they were always accompanied by an ashtray with an abandoned Viceroy cigarette butt that had burned to ash all the way down to the filter. (Mind you, she quit smoking in 1983, so these are memories from that glorious decade, the '70s).

I'm like my mother in other ways, too. Ways that are less humorous. I try to control things. I worry. A lot. Just like Elsie did. Worry consumes me, eats me alive if I let it. I get irritable, desperate, and I make bad decisions, historically. Although, I am blessed that I never turned to cigarettes as a way of dealing with stress.

Oh, I've done the counseling thing for many years, and I've prayed about, on, around and with all of these tendencies. But not until this year (yes, I mean 2014) has the solution finally been presented to me. Consider the story of Jesus walking on the stormy water toward His disciples in the boat:

²⁸ Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” ²⁹ He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat, started walking on the water, and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he noticed the strong wind,^[b] he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” ³¹ Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”³² When they got into the boat, the wind ceased. ³³ And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”  Matthew 14:28-33 (NRSVCE) 

The stormy waters = life, of course. Jesus asks Peter to step out - don't stay in the relative safety of the boat! Come and be with me out here in the crazy life! I'll protect you from the raging storm, if you have faith in me!

How many times have I stepped out of the boat, and when I start sinking, I don't cry out "Lord, save me!" I mean really! I try to do it on my own. I try to trust in the Lord that all will be well and all manner of thing will be well (to quote Julian of Norwich). I try to give it all to Him. But... I can't. It's not in my power to do this. Because I have so little faith, and I doubt. I keep falling back into the same patterns of behavior, time after time, and I feel very much like I'm sinking.

So what's the solution? What does Peter do when he a) starts sinking and b) realizes he's sinking? He calls out for help. "Lord, save me!" I am learning to ask Yeshua to increase my faith. Not figure things out, not give me signs of what I'm supposed to do next, not reassure me. Just increase my faith. Because I do have so little faith! Because I'm human. Why do I doubt? Because I'm human, and because I can't overcome the powerful drag of the patterns of worry that attached themselves to me in my mother's womb.

In Mark's Gospel, we read:

²³ Jesus said to him, “If you are able!—All things can be done for the one who believes.” ²⁴ Immediately the father of the child cried out,^[a] “I believe; help my unbelief!”  Mark 9:23-24

That's the key, for me. Help my unbelief. Increase my faith! Because while my intellectual mind says, "Yes, I believe that God is my refuge, that Yeshua is my Savior," my emotional gut says, "WHOA what do you mean I won't see a paycheck until Feb. 7th, how the hell am I gonna pay rent?" See what I mean? Yeah. I pull an Elsie, which is really to say, I pull a Human. It's the human condition of sin that weakens us and convinces us not to turn to the One who already has it covered.

When I have prayed these last few days to God to increase my faith, I have literally felt my soul lifted up. I have felt the worry and care, whatever it may be, fall away. I feel surrounded by His Light. I am embraced by the Everlasting Arms, and I am at peace. Then, a solution presents itself, or I see the situation from an entirely different perspective. And I'm okay. I'm more than okay; I am walking on the water of my life with Him, instead of sinking in the raging storm.

Last year may have been the Catholic Church's "Year of Faith," but it looks like I'm just starting to live into it. Amen.


For a more in-depth examination of the passage in St. Matthew's Gospel about Jesus walking on the water, please spend some time here: (http://oscargilroy.com/2011/09/25/walking-on-water-part-1/)