A couple weekends ago, I went on a vocation discernment retreat with the Benedictine Sisters of Elizabeth, NJ. It was a beautiful weekend away, and I came home with a renewed intimacy with Jesus. I accept that as long as I am in the world serving in ministry, I need a monthly renewal retreat. That had been a long time coming after months of ministry with no time set aside for God alone outside the normal every day routines. I won't make that mistake again!
I am still discerning my life path and listening. What is Jesus whispering to my heart? For now, I am in Elmira, praying and striving to be present as I help prepare young people for the Sacrament of Confirmation, hold a bi-weekly women's prayer group, and bring Holy Communion to the homebound. I am drawn to the woods, to quiet nature. I am drawn to water in any form - stream, brook, river, lake, ocean. I am drawn to silence and certainly to contemplative prayer. I am drawn to rhythms, seasons, pulses, not the unrelenting march of seconds, hours, and days. I am drawn to moments of life - watching a Chickadee at the feeder in the bitter cold, catching a glimpse of snow dropping from branches in the morning sun, seeing people I love be themselves with each other, unaware that I am observing them and loving them from across the room.
I am irresistibly drawn to the Eucharist as the Source of my being - that hasn't let up one bit since I began the journey of union with God almost five years ago. My devotion to the Sacred Heart is deeper than it ever was, as my reliance on Him is more acute. I am weak, and gladly so, to rely on Him, alone.
I'm living close to a Benedictine monastery, and my life is certainly benefitting from that association as a novice Oblate. I'm meeting other Oblates (one of whom has become my spiritual director), and forming a community of prayer, slowly but surely. I am following the Rule of Benedict as closely as I can in my state of life, and I pray the psalms with music.
Am I called to some other form of life? Eremitical life? Living alone, consecrated, doing ministry, in the world but not of it. That's a tall order for me - in the world but not of it. The world hounds me with hatred and anger and frustration and dehumanizing voices. Facebook is a parade of hostility. The town I live in, while surrounded by beauty, is rife with poverty, crime, drugs and violence. The same as most places, in other words. On Jan. 1 of this year, I lost a good friend to drugs. Heartbreaking doesn't even begin to describe the maelstrom of feelings this event has evoked in me. Being face to face with this day in and day out makes me cry in agony to God. And perhaps that's the point of living "in the world but not of it." At the same time, if my prayers are more effective than anything I can do or try to do, shouldn't I live the life that best suits and supports that prayer life? I don't feel like that's the life I'm living. Most of the time, I feel ragged and unkempt, spiritually speaking.
My brother recently asked me if my desire to live a monastic life was an attempt at escaping. While I appreciated his concern, I was surprised and slightly irked that after almost five years of me being on this path, he thought this was something to worry about. But it's all good - he's my big brother, and he is looking out for me. But the issue of escapism is a real one -- ironically, his (and my) concern would be better placed on how much Netflix I binge as a form of escape rather than longing for a community to pray with.
The Carmelites live "hermit in community," which sounds like a good fit, yet my journey with the Carmelites of various monasteries did not result in my entrance to any of them. Franciscans - love their joy and deep sense of God in Creation. My time with two Poor Clare communities last year was moving and filled me with great joy, yet in one community I found too much restriction (not enough space), and in the other for some reason, not the feeling of belonging.
So what am I longing for, exactly? Is it the longing for heaven, for the true home of complete union with God in paradise? Or am I still feeling the "more" tugging at my soul here in this life, drawing me toward something else?
My inward journey has brought me as far if not farther than my outward journey has across the U.S. Understanding and loving myself, releasing people and situations instead of holding them to my expectations, being gentle with myself and with others, knowing how weak I am (and yet how strong), allowing and seeing the integration of the various parts of my own past... all of these things are happening, and I bring them to the Altar of Christ at every Mass.
Yet... something still tugs, a melody I keep hearing bits of, wafting in and then disappearing. My only recourse is to stay still with Christ, as He invites me eagerly and tenderly to do. To be patient, and to trust in His Love for me.
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