The View Up Here

2016 has rocked our GenX world as one pop icon after another has died and left a huge vacancy. For me, the moment of ENOUGH ALREADY didn't come until the death of Debbie Reynolds, a day after Carrie Fisher's passing. I truly thought it was some kind of bad joke when I woke up and read the headline, and my brain struggled with the seeming unlikelihood of it all - especially in light of the "fake news" that's been outed after the election. A small corner of my brain hoped it was another tabloid-esque false report even as I knew that if it's splashed all over BBC, CNN, Washington Post and FoxNews, it must be true. This morning I caught an article on the fake news of 2016 , and it got me thinking about how vulnerable we all are. The internet keeps us connected 24/7 with each other and the world, which has its light and dark side, as most things do. The light side:  knowing of injustice that we can then act upon, sharing pictures of family far away, sending em...

Monastery of St. Clare I am beginning the third week of my live-in at the Monastery of St. Clare. These two weeks were sadly interrupted by a trip back to Elmira this past week to attend the funeral of my dear Aunt Stella, who was 94. The emotion of processing her death, the weight of grieving, as well as the joy of seeing so many of my cousins I hadn't seen in years, all of it, was very overwhelming. Yesterday I took a quiet day at the monastery (not doing work during the work periods), and today being Sunday is also a quiet afternoon. Tomorrow I will be back to the regular horarium (schedule).  In the midst of all this, my relationship with Jesus is central. I am living the reality now that no matter what I am called to in this life, my relationship with Jesus is central. It's so easy to say those words, to nod and even say "Well...duh." But living that truth is the challenge of Christian life. In the sea of confusion, emotion, choices, and anguish is the ...

I was just sitting here, thinking about "Father forgive them, they know not what they do." And I was thinking that if Jesus could forgive His accusers, torturers, murderers, we could forgive those in our lives who hurt us, mistreat us. Then I thought, wait a minute. Jesus didn't say "I forgive you" from the Cross. He asked the Father to forgive them. We sometimes put a lot of pressure on ourselves to instantly and miraculously forgive those who hurt us, or who do terrible things, evil things. And we beat ourselves up internally if we can't. But what if we aren't expected to. Not that we shouldn't try - we must. But Jesus taught us to pray for our enemies. And that's exactly what He did on the Cross. He lifted them up in prayer for forgiveness, even as he bore those awful wounds at their hands. When we are hurting, when someone has hurt us and we can't find it in our hearts to forgive them, we can breathe easier following Jesus...

Every human being suffers. There is no escaping it. Some more than others. Some because of natural means, some because of the cruelty and neglect of other human beings. Suffering exists.  I've written about this recently , so I won't go on and on about it here. But I want to stress one thing: Jesus is with us in our suffering. He suffered beyond human telling. He suffered not just the physical torments of his Passion and Crucifixion, but He also suffered the inner torments (emotional, spiritual) that every person feels at various points in our lives--times a thousand. He also suffered in knowing how many would reject Him throughout time, even to this day and beyond. He saw our age as well as he saw His own, how we would continue to break His commandment of Love. And still... He chose to suffer. He could have called on the powers of Heaven to whisk Him away. But he chose to accept this fate for you. For me. Right now, He offers you His Love.   I won't waste...

In the Gospel of John, Yeshua tenderly washes the apostles' feet, then sits down and asks them, "Do you know what I have done for you?" (Jn 13:12) At the time, Simon (Cephas/Peter) and the apostles didn't really catch on to what was  going  on. But eventually, they did. And so can we. Jesus (Yeshua)  has shown us that we are to be servant leaders; we are to serve our brothers and sisters in humility and love - just as He did. In Holy Thursday Mass, we have the "washing of the feet" to commemorate this act. But what does it really mean, and why did Jesus wash the disciples' feet, not  just  serve a meal or do some other act of service? We must do two things to unpack this gesture - one is the examine the physicality of it, and the other is to remember Jesus' time and place. Jesus took off his outer garment and wrapped a towel around his waist. Taking off an outer garment can symbolize getting ready to work (akin to "rolling up one'...

This Christmas and New Year's Eve, I am spending time with family and old friends in Massachusetts. I'm always happy to return to the place where I grew up, enjoy the holidays with loved ones, and worship in the very church where I received my First Holy Communion.  Fr. Jim's homily at Christmas yesterday was short on time but long on meaning. The closing of his homily was an encouragement to hang on to Jesus as an anchor . I love this analogy, as so often it does feel like we are tossed around by big waves, storms, wind, and the uncertainties of where we are going.  From the Catholic News Agency , quoting Pope Francis in his Christmas homily: ...the Pope asked that we open our hearts to receive the grace offered on Christmas Day, “which is Christ himself.” Jesus, he said, “is the radiant day which has dawned on the horizon of humanity. A day of mercy , in which God our Father has revealed his great tenderness to the entire world. A day of light, which dispels...

A friend posted this on Facebook today, and it took my breath away with its honesty and exactitude. All I can say in answer to this 11/17/15 blog post by John Paplovitz is: YES. THAT. WHAT HE SAID. http://johnpavlovitz.com/2015/11/17/freeing-christians-from-americhristianity/ *NB I had copied the full text of his post and put it up here, but then I decided it wasn't cool to do that without permission. Please visit the link to read his statement in full.

Easter Sunday has come and gone, but the joy of living in the Risen Christ is ever alive, ever new, ever potent. Lent of 2015 was centered in the theme of surrender  for me. Now in the Easter season, I am praying for the grace to surrender in joy.  In our world, I think the idea of surrender has unfortunate connotations of failure, giving up, walking away. In reality, as a Christian, it means giving over all I am, all I fear, all I desire; it means handing off to Christ all that is broken and damaged in me, as well as all that is beautiful in me - that which God created. It also means letting God be God in my life (a theme I write about frequently on this blog), and not letting myself become discouraged by my mistakes, my falls, my sins. As St. Paul has urged us, we are to persevere. It doesn't matter what I am, in a sense - broken, sinful, sad, etc. - because what really matters is that Jesus has paid the ultimate price for my redemption, and He wants me to live in Him, ...

From early October : I took a walk along the Jordan River (in Utah, not the Holy Land ), so grateful to be near a body of running water after 2.5 years of l iving in California's drought. This hymn spru ng to mind, and I had the good sense to jot it down. Water's Edge Today I prayed by the water's edge and sang to my Creator, Lover God. Into my heart I invited Him to rest his head and sing His songs to me. I asked Him for his grace and strength that I may suffer with and for his Son the realities of life worth living the path of merciful outpouring, emptying myself that I may be filled with Him alone.

I started writing this while I was in Carmel for my three week live-in... Anyone who thinks that living in a monastery is like being on vacation with nothing to do but gaze at the sky (or one's navel) and float piously down polished hallways and golden garden paths has never lived in a monastery. That being said, the hallways are pretty well polished, and while the garden paths aren't without tufts of grass and dried leaves, they are beautiful to behold. Keeping up an 88-year old monastery is hard work, and despite the physical limitations of several of the older sisters, things get done. There is help, of course, with regular workmen to do the heavy duty stuff like tree-trimming and painting, but by and large, these women live in community with each other, with God as their center, and hard work is part of the package. This is no house of laziness or effete living. I've been here almost two weeks, with one week and a half left to go. I've settled in fairl...

My, my, my how time flies. The school year has ended, all my work is done. Tomorrow I leave for two splendid weeks of discernment, living in a Carmelite monastery in San Diego, across these three beautiful feasts of the Church. Can it be true? How did I get here? I hardly know... except to say by the magnificent, grandiose, spoil-me-rotten grace of God. I have specifically been asking to know the Holy Spirit more intimately. Holy Spirit is, to my mind, "the mover and the shaker" in the Trinity. The Father is Creator and Being, Jesus Messiah is Redeemer and Rest, and it is in His Body that I rest. So we have upcoming: Pentecost Sunday, Holy Trinity Sunday, and the Feast of the Most Holy Body and Blood of Christ (Corpus Christi). In fact it was exactly one year ago on Trinity Sunday that I first went to to the Carmel to visit - Carmel of the Most Holy Trinity. Come, Holy Spirit, come! The past year was really rough - those girls got to my heart and I ached and I spilled...

The journey of discerning God's will for me continues.  I still feel the draw to contemplative life, but I question it at the same time. Why? For one thing, I won't know until I actually am able to live the life in some kind of trial/live-in experience. There's still much about this journey that I'm not clear on because I just don't have enough first hand information, and that takes time. I know I want to be a consecrated religious, a little spouse of Jesus. That's about all I know for sure. Carmelite? Love love love Carmelite spirituality. Cloister? Not so sure. Franciscan? Love love love Franciscan spirituality. Active apostolate? Not so sure. I'm starting to understand on some level that what I desire is balance: contemplative and active apostolates in fruitful harmony.  "St. Francis Starry Night" by Sue Betanzos See (and buy) more of this artist's work here: http://fineartamerica.com/profiles/sue-betanzos.html And I feel that a...

http://soul-h2o.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Resurrection I really had meant to write more here during Holy Week, but it just didn't end up happening that way. I had taken a day off from work to give me 5 entire days off, and I ended up sleeping for 2 of those days, and then the rest of the time, my heart was full and focused on the Lord, alone. What a blessing, what a way of life! Coming back to one of my jobs this week has been a shock to the system, as it were, and of course next week, both jobs will be in force, so I'm a little nervous about how my system will respond. Silence, stillness, quiet adoration and prayer... these are the ways that let me thrive. The Lord has showered me with blessings and new insights and understandings that have taken deep root, and they are in essence over shadowing and pushing out the old weeds of fear, anxiety and pride. Slowly, He works in my heart and mind and spirit to show me that I am precious to Him, that my life has meaning ...

The weekend with the Carmelites was restful, but at the same time, intensive (as discernment often is). I went into the weekend hoping to "learn" and "more deeply understand" my vocation. I was disappointed in these expectations. Which is to say, I got out of the weekend exactly what I needed to! Huh? My focus right now needs to be on the here and now. Is God calling me to Carmel? He very well might be. But right now I can't enter. It's not time, I have stuff to do, and I also have to build relationship with the Carmel I hope to enter. So many things are accomplished at once: I work, pay off debt, serve the Kingdom, build relationships with the Sisters, allow them to know me and me to know them, and of course I continue writing and above all, deepening my prayer and spiritual life. At first, I felt like I came away from the weekend with more question marks, but then I realized that I'd been driving 110 mph with my hand white-knuckling the steeri...

This weekend, I will be staying with the Carmelites of San Diego for my third visit. I am still feeling this calling, but I also hear other "voices"... should I be a teacher? how much should I invest in having a writing career? I am not even sure what kind of writing it is I feel most drawn to. Whatever it is I write, I want to build the Kingdom of God, not serve my own myopic purposes. This is a time of clarifying and refining, and I need your prayers, so if you're the praying kind, please give a shout out for me, 'kay? Church of the Carmelite monastery in San Diego https://polemically.wordpress.com/2006/06/26/discalced-carmelite-monastery-san-diego/ My only prayer is that God's will be done in and through me. Feeling joy with what I'm doing is an indication that I am fulfilling part of my purpose here (as it is with everyone!). I feel like I can teach and write m'okay fine. But the thing that really makes me want to get up and go is prayer. Most p...

It's been quite a week. Had the flu last week, missed a lot, had to catch up. This week had its own challenges, and I found myself again tossed and rolled in the rapids. I don't mean to sound like a drama queen, but the only word for how I was reacting to the events of the week was "suffering." I've been praying for months to learn how to suffer. Because we know that this world is not perfect, we know that we can expect a certain amount of suffering. But what do we do with that suffering? Do we simply bitch and moan? Cause that's what I usually do! Admit it...how many of us complain, whine, have a couple drinks at the end of the day because "today was too much" or "my life sucks" or "why is this (insert bad thing) happening to me?" The human condition, right? Doesn't matter who you are, how much you own, who is in your family, where you live, what language you speak, who you pray to (or if you pray), or how much you plan. Th...

At long last, I've finished something.  Happy Valentines Day!

On the wave of exactly the same theme of my last few days, I found this quote on my Facebook feed this morning from Fr. James Martin : "For me to be a saint means to be myself. Therefore the problem of sanctity and salvation is in fact the problem of finding out who I am and of discovering my true self."   -- Thomas Merton Thomas Merton was an American monk, mystic, poet, artist, teacher, and inter-religious dialoguer before it was a cool thing to do. Today would've been his 99th birthday.  I haven't spent an enormous amount of time reading the 20th century greats of theology and spiritual writing (Merton and de Chardin, mainly), though I've read smatterings of both. One of the ideas that resurfaces in both of their work seems to be this notion of living into the self that God made each of us to be. That requires discernment, self-knowledge, and humility. This is really the process I've stepped into  these last couple of years, led by the Holy Spirit....