The View Up Here

Regardless of our vocation – married, priesthood, religious, or single – the daily grind and the pressing worries that ever more hound us day and night can wear us down. Even when we love our families, our work, our ministry, our community, we can still become like a well that’s gone dry.  And something must be said about our post-modern obsession with multi-tasking. Is that really how humans were meant to live? I don’t think it would be over the top to say that it is inhuman, even with all the tools we now have which allegedly assist with this frenetic, attention-splitting lifestyle. In fact, it seems with all the conveniences and communication technology available to us, we are multi-tasking and doom scrolling ourselves into states of severe anxiety, depression, and poor health in which we lose sight of faith, hope, and charity.  We lose sight of who we are. We lose sight of Christ. A remedy for this lifestyle, found in ancient Christian tradition and modeled by Jesus, is t...

It's time to round up 2023 and cast a gleaming eye toward 2024.   Quickly, because it's cold, and I have to go find a cup of hot tea in the kitchen to warm up: published my short story "Vinny and Luca" in the June issue of Lake Effect Magazine . This was my first short story publication, and it's one of the stories I've written as part of a collection. shot my short film "Dream House" in October after one postponement and a reschedule. We had an amazing cast and crew, a beautiful location, and a lot of generous help. The footage is now with an editor who hopes to have a rough cut in the next few days. started as a journalist for our diocesan Catholic paper, writing features and briefs on the happenings and people in the county. learned how to create video content for Instagram. learned T'ai Chi Yang style 32-move sword form started with a new spiritual director (who was then reassigned to someplace far away and with a far busier schedule... this ...

This time, I really did forget that I had a blog. It's been over a year since my last post, and the only reason I remembered I had a blog is the link from my website. I'm not kidding. It's almost like I was busy with life or something.  Life.  Working, moving, working, discerning... I can't even crunch into a post what the last year has been like. I will say it has been challenging and at times I was in a deep depression (that is to say, mid-winter). But it has also presented amazing opportunities for friendships, spiritual depths, and personal development.  With only two weeks left of school, I'm looking forward to a summer of kayaking, Tai Chi, writing, and playing music with my new group "The Ivy Leagues."  Then there is the ongoing contemplative stance of listening and saying "yes."  I will blog more frequently as the powerful grip of the school year comes to a close.  Please pray for me, and be assured of my prayers for any readers I may hav...

Dear Friends and Family, Please pray for the repose of the soul of Br. Justin Young, OSB. He died suddenly on Wednesday, April 4, from a brain hemorrhage. Also please keep in your prayers his family members, brother monks of Mount Saviour Monastery (Elmira), and all the Oblates and many friends of Br. Justin and the Monastery.  Brother Justin was a dear friend of mine and of many others who sought his deep prayerfulness, winning smile, outrageous laugh, and constant thoughtfulness. He was the Porter at Mount Saviour, greeting guests and preparing their morning meals for them. He also did a hundred other things of which I'm not even sure. He was a creative and a mystic at heart, and that's how our bond developed. He often sought me out after Mass and gave me some little encouragement, prayer, or intuition that had come to him regarding my own spiritual journey. I will treasure always a copy of St. Francis de Sales' Introduction to the Devout Life that Br. Justin ga...

Well you can't very well write about Good Friday and not write about Easter! I spent the weekend with a good friend in Binghamton, so am just getting around to writing a bit tonight. On my drive back from Binghamton, this prayer entered my heart: "Lord, let me see myself in the Light of Your Resurrection." Our ideas about our lives and our very personhood are too often determined by others, when the only Person who can speak who we are is God. A God who knows the realities of human existence, but who offers the final Word - LIFE. There is joy, humility and peace here. The joy of knowing that humanity is resurrected in Christ, and that by His stripes, I am healed.  I went to Easter Sunday Mass at my friend's church, and although I knew no one else besides my friend, I felt totally at home and welcomed. People had friendly faces and friendly spirits (oh that it were so in every Catholic parish!). But it soon became clear that we chose to sit near a family with ...

In the last three weeks, my life has been turned a bit upside down. Life is change, as a former film prof of mine recently reminded me. I've never been particularly good with change. In the past, I've either resisted it and suffered immensely, or I've run away to start over -- only I'd bring all the old bag and baggage with me that was never dealt with.  In the midst of this current round of uncertainty and movement, I've been reminded that the appropriate response to any kind of big change is to offer up thanks and gratitude. But I know from my own experience that empty words of gratitude don't amend my heart, and they only end up tasting bitter rather than being sincere and true thanksgiving to God. I'd wager most people have experienced this at some point. I know of a few tender souls who struggle with it daily, in fact. The other morning as I sat on my porch with my morning coffee, watching the finches duke it out at the feeder, I felt the very ...

As I've continued to understand myself in this process of discernment, I've realized that it is essential for me to live a life where the Liturgy of the Hours (aka the Divine Office) are prayed. The reasons are several, and I understand them to be universal, not tied to my own personal preference. We are called to pray unceasingly by Jesus Christ. Sanctifying the hours of the day permeates what we do, who we are, and how we love one another. Stopping our work to pray is a reorientation toward God against the temptation to make our work about us, rather than about the Kingdom. The Benedictine Ora et Labora isn't just a simple "prayer and work" translation; rather, prayer is work/work is prayer and it all points to God's will. The classic Catholic both/and, in other words. Prayer informs our ministry, ministry informs our prayer. There is an ebb and flow here, not a "now we do this" and "now we do that" binary concept. In the short...

Normally around this time, I do a wrap up of the year in my own life and estimation. Although I don't remember if I did one last year. Anyway, I'm resuming the tradition.  After spending the Christmas holiday with my family, I arrived home last night to find a pile of Christmas cards awaiting me in the mail box. I had anticipated this and was delighted to open cards from friends and family in other states as well as right here in Elmira. What I wasn't prepared for was a letter tucked into a card from my friend Fr. David, a Trappist in Utah. His letter held some sad news, including the death of their Guestmaster, lay brother Michael. Michael was my first contact at Holy Trinity Abbey, where I spent many a retreat weekend during my year in Salt Lake City, and we had quickly become friends. I will always remember his New Jersey baritone, "We all love you, honey. We're praying for you."  So last night after doing laundry and watering my plants, I made my ...

An quick update on discernment and life in general... In a nutshell, last week I found out that I need another root canal. I don't mind telling you I was angry as all get out. Root canals are a little piece of hell on earth as far as I'm concerned. Then this week I was informed that NYS Medicaid will not pay for it. Instead of being (rightfully) outraged at socialized medicine that won't pay for something as necessary as a root canal, I am trying instead to be grateful that Medicaid paid for the routine exam and cleaning so that I didn't walk around with a face full of infection for months without knowing it. In any case, my options are: pay OOP, get the tooth pulled, or take a chance on antibiotics killing the infection. I'm going with the first option, but I do not have regular work because since moving back to NYS, I've been making a whole lot of space and time for traveling to discern with various communities. I have been relying with immense gratit...

I have consciously decided not to blog for the last few weeks, because my life took a left turn that I didn't see coming, and I really wanted to see where I ended up before chronicling any sort of epic (or debacle, depending upon the outcome). Because God has blessed me, it's been epic, but anything but a debacle. Dig it: I am now the (full time) Office Manager at Mount Calvary Catholic Cemetery in Salt Lake City, Utah. Yes, Utah. Land of "Mormanity" as my friend PJ called it. I'm working for the Catholic Diocese here, and today was my first day on the job. Everything turned around so quickly, I'm still a little disoriented. Here's the timeline: Aug 5 = realized I wouldn't see a paycheck from the Part Time Job #2 until Oct 1 even though I'd have started working on Aug 25. Hours at Part Time Job #1 had been cut to 12 per week for the rest of the summer. I emailed Sarah, my dear former roommate who now works on Simon's Cat over in London to...

If you've looked at the news in the last two weeks, besides Putin, Syria, Obamacare's deadline, the missing Malaysian jet and ocean full of garbage, the horrific mudslide in Washington, the Twitter campaign for #CancelColbert , and other important items, you may have noticed that California's earthquake "drought" is over. If only it were the water drought that's over. In all fairness, it's better to have several smaller earthquakes to release pressure than to have it all pop at once. Even so... I'm sure there's some post-modern theory as to why humans created a theme park ride about "The Big One." (Universal Studios "Earthquake!" ride) The three moderate earthquakes of the last 2 weeks are more than enough for yours truly. There is something surreal and wrong  about the earth and the building you're in moving under your feet. The violent shaking, creaking, swinging, rumbling is the most horrific experience of my ...

Y esterday, I had a minor meltdown.  It really did feel like the devil was having a swipe at my faith.  To avoid boring you with details about my anxious mind on safari, I will simply state what I gleaned from the experience: We're all on unique paths to wholeness and the fullest expression of God's gifts manifested in our lives. Avoid comparing your path with anyone else's, or to the cultural "norm" that literally means nothing. Doing so will only lead to hopelessness and a broken spirit. God alone suffices (St. Teresa of Avila) I really AM cherished and nourished by God! How about that? I cherish the life God is giving me now, and I release my attachment to any notion of 'future' that takes me away from living that life to the fullest in Christ Jesus.  I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me; and the life  which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave...

The other day I was laughing at myself for "pulling an Elsie," which is what I call doing something that was typical of my mother, Elsie. I had to go search for a half-empty cup of coffee that I'd left in the bedroom (which was by now cold), after realizing I'd poured it, consumed half of it, and then left it somewhere. Viceroy gives you all the cancer, all the time The only difference between Elsie and me is that she would have two or three of these half-empty cold cups of coffee strewn in various rooms of the house, and they were always accompanied by an ashtray with an abandoned Viceroy cigarette butt that had burned to ash all the way down to the filter. (Mind you, she quit smoking in 1983, so these are memories from that glorious decade, the '70s). I'm like my mother in other ways, too. Ways that are less humorous. I try to control things. I worry. A lot. Just like Elsie did. Worry consumes me, eats me alive if I let it. I get irritable, desperat...

It's Leap Day, Year of the Water Dragon! I like mixing my East/West calendars, so what? It's been awhile since my last update. Nothing earth-shattering has gone on here, but I did attend an R.I.T. alumni event last Friday evening that proved to be fun, surreal, and fruitful. I reconnected with people with whom I went to film school, including someone who might be in a position to get me some work at some point down the line, and one of my very first screenwriting students. Now THAT was trippy. I knew he looked familiar to me, and I barely had a chance to talk to him at the end of the evening. He reminded me that he had been a student of mine. I had to ask for his name, and as soon as I heard it, I felt suddenly like I was in a time vortex, spinning around on my axis. I think we call that "full circle." I used to kick myself and bemoan my time at R.I.T. because it wasn't this or it wasn't that, and I did go into a soul-crushing amount of debt to get that MF...

Okay, it's looking like once a week is what you get, folks. This week was quite busy. I had a job interview, but it ended up being for an office P.A. (production assistant) slot. Those jobs are typically held by recent college grads with no debt and who live in a house of 14 people so that they each only pay $250 a month in rent. And the work is grueling, with 12+ hour days (every day), $8.50 an hour, no bennies. It was good to see the inside of a production office, and I did get the connection through a rather big name in TV who I met last year, but they didn't offer it to me, anyway. But hey an interview is an interview, and I did learn a few things. The car issue has become, well, an issue. I've been carless for over a week. I borrowed a friend's car to get to the interview, and then lied through my teeth that I had a car at said interview (P.A.s do a lot of running around and errands, generally called "running"). Good thing I didn't get it, huh?...

A week from today I will be nervously re-re-re-re-re-repacking one or all of my bags, drugging my cat and myself for the long trip, and making sure everything is in order. I do have a busy week ahead of me, but I am feeling more energized than anything. I keep thinking of the palm trees and balmy temps as I sit here wearing layer upon layer, staring at the snow outside the windows. This move is so important - not just because I'm going some place warm, but because I'm at long last pursuing something instead of just running away (oh, the vagaries of youth). I am so grateful that I've been given this opportunity to move forward. I think I might have a buyer for the car (will know by noon), and I've perused online enough to feel confident that I can get something in L.A. in my price range that won't be a complete jalopy. She ain't much to look at, but she'll make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. Thanks to http://lgreport.blogspot.com/ for the p...

I really have changed - even more than I thought I had - from just a few short years ago. I'm done with people's head games and selfish behaviors. I'm no longer the "make other people happy and keep the peace, no matter if it means my needs aren't being met" type of gal my mother raised me to be. I used to let other people (friends, enemies, family, authority figures, lovers) call the shots of what my relationships with them were all about, and I'd give them the power of validating my life by seeking approval. Even if they were the lowest form of human waste on the planet, I'd give them some of this power when I was younger. And of course some of those people (not always because they meant to or wanted to hurt me), used that power. I just realized how angry that makes me, and how I don't put up with that bullshit any more. I am so much more at ease with who I am. I don't placate anyone or seek approval or play games to keep them around in t...

I've spent a lot of time over the last 3-4 days feeling bad about certain aspects of my situation. Then yesterday I ran into my neighbor across the breezeway who we've been friends with for the 6.5 years we've lived here. Turns out he's being evicted, and they didn't even give him 30 days. At the moment, as I sit here in my home atelier , I can hear and see the bustle of the work crew helping him move boxes and mucking out his apartment. To be honest, the guy has had a hard life, he's been on disability and public assistance, and he's estranged from his wife who lives down south. He's going to end up in a shelter because he couldn't find a place to live that was in his price range and that isn't a ghetto. He's a smart, well-spoken, educated man, and this is what's happened to him. A painful reminder that someone always has it worse than you. Om mani padme hum.

I know I said in my last post that I'd be writing about Aldi vs Wegman's today, but I've got something else I want to get into. I'll save that juicy morsel for later. I often teach character development in screenwriting with the following instruction: What does the character want? What does s/he need? The tension between those two answers will provide the inner conflict line throughout the film. Over the last couple of days, it's occurred to me that I am struggling with the same couple of questions in my own life. I have Wants. Lots of 'em. Some of them very secretive, very sexy, very selfish, very, well, "wanty." Sometimes Wanting drifts into Longing, which results in listening to too much Tori Amos (but is there really such a thing?) and feeling like a 19-year-old girl/woman with an achey breaky heart. Oftentimes, Wanting devolves into Wishing, and Wishing has an implied sense of Wanting the Impossible, and is therefore a big fat waste of time and ...