Update

An quick update on discernment and life in general...

In a nutshell, last week I found out that I need another root canal. I don't mind telling you I was angry as all get out. Root canals are a little piece of hell on earth as far as I'm concerned. Then this week I was informed that NYS Medicaid will not pay for it. Instead of being (rightfully) outraged at socialized medicine that won't pay for something as necessary as a root canal, I am trying instead to be grateful that Medicaid paid for the routine exam and cleaning so that I didn't walk around with a face full of infection for months without knowing it.

In any case, my options are: pay OOP, get the tooth pulled, or take a chance on antibiotics killing the infection. I'm going with the first option, but I do not have regular work because since moving back to NYS, I've been making a whole lot of space and time for traveling to discern with various communities. I have been relying with immense gratitude on free lance work and the generosity of my friends opening their home to me for the last several months. This grueling and nail-biting exercise in trusting Divine Providence has paid off, because the good news is that next month (May), I am set to do a 3-week live-in with the community that I believe I will enter (God willing).

Except now I have to figure out how I will come up with the necessary funds for this root canal and crown, and hope to have it scheduled so that it doesn't interfere with the live-in. Nothing is set in stone, and I know I need to be flexible. If I need to put the live-in off a week or two, so be it. 

The stress of the last few days was some of the worst I've experienced since moving to NYS in Sept. of last year. It has not been an easy haul, and I have seriously questioned this path I've chosen several times. I have put everything, my entire life, on the line to continue discerning and moving forward in this vocation I believe I am called to. A vocation which some folks don't get and don't completely support. And some of the support I was accustomed to receiving has recently been absent, so I found that my only option was to lean all the more heavily on Jesus. But this is actually a very joyful thing, born out of all my circumstances, both good and bad. In times of desolation (to use the Ignatian term in the process of discernment), we can either fold up and pack it in, or lean into the experience to find God there, in the midst of all the crud and our own brokenness. And as I've come to understand, "eyes on the prize" doesn't mean "eyes on religious life." It means "eyes on Jesus" though everything else inside me seems ground to a pulp. 

I very much desire to enter this community I will return to next month, and if it is God's will, that's what I will do, even if it ends up being delayed because of the freaking root canal situation. Nothing can prevent God from accomplishing God's will; good is brought out of evil, and light always penetrates and wins the darkness.

The other positive thing to come out of these last two weeks is that it so happened I started working with a really great spiritual director again. She is a Sister of St. Joseph (SSJ) in Rochester, and she has both the experience and training in counseling and spiritual direction. She recommended a book to me that I recommend to anyone who is discerning anything in their lives, even if only how to get through the next day. God's Voice Within, by Mark E. Thibodeaux, SJ (Jesuit). Thanks be to God that this book exists; the discussions on desolation and consolation have been invaluable to me in this difficult period. 

My deepest thanks to all who have kept me in your prayers and thoughts. You continue to be in mine this Easter Season. Alleluia! He is risen!