The View Up Here

The answer, of course, is yes. Everyone around me seems so relieved that summer is over and can't wait for fall to look like fall. Not me. I barely noticed the summer months because I was immersed in discernment, decision making, and moving. I tried to move to Massachusetts, but interviews and trips out there notwithstanding, it didn't happen. In fact, I wasted a whole lotta time worrying about that. As if... as if Jesus weren't right here, as if God doesn't have a plan for me, as if he's not guiding me. I am sometimes haunted by the past, which as we know, doesn't exist. What God has forgiven, what right have we to keep dredging up? Renounce it and stay with God in the sacrament of the now. Ultimately, I made my peace with staying where I am with the parish in Elmira, but I did end up moving apartments (not without some drama involving mice, a parking ticket, and random weirdness in my new neighborhood - but that's for another post!). In June I mad...

Dear Friends and Family, Please pray for the repose of the soul of Br. Justin Young, OSB. He died suddenly on Wednesday, April 4, from a brain hemorrhage. Also please keep in your prayers his family members, brother monks of Mount Saviour Monastery (Elmira), and all the Oblates and many friends of Br. Justin and the Monastery.  Brother Justin was a dear friend of mine and of many others who sought his deep prayerfulness, winning smile, outrageous laugh, and constant thoughtfulness. He was the Porter at Mount Saviour, greeting guests and preparing their morning meals for them. He also did a hundred other things of which I'm not even sure. He was a creative and a mystic at heart, and that's how our bond developed. He often sought me out after Mass and gave me some little encouragement, prayer, or intuition that had come to him regarding my own spiritual journey. I will treasure always a copy of St. Francis de Sales' Introduction to the Devout Life that Br. Justin ga...

“No one has a greater desire than I for that secure and tranquil life dedicated wholly to contemplation. There is nothing better, nothing more enjoyable to be separated from all turmoil, in order to immerse oneself profoundly in the Divine Treasure.” (St. Augustine)

This morning I woke up feeling refreshed and looking forward to spending the first part of my day at Mount Saviour Monastery . Today is their Dedication Day, when their monastery was first dedicated in the early 1950s . It’s a very important commemoration day in the life of a monastery or church, like a birthday or anniversary. Some of my family members were present for that initial event in the middle of the last century and were involved with helping the monks as the community grew over the years. As a child and teen here in Elmira, I loved visiting the monastery with my mother. The light-filled chapel in the round with its bell steeple and the beautiful crypt (lower level) with its cool darkness and 13th century statue of Our Lady surrounded by novena candles were more fundamental to my own spirituality than I had realized back then. I still have a book that influenced my love of things mystical and symbolic that I purchased in their gift shop as a tween: The Book of Signs , by...

An quick update on discernment and life in general... In a nutshell, last week I found out that I need another root canal. I don't mind telling you I was angry as all get out. Root canals are a little piece of hell on earth as far as I'm concerned. Then this week I was informed that NYS Medicaid will not pay for it. Instead of being (rightfully) outraged at socialized medicine that won't pay for something as necessary as a root canal, I am trying instead to be grateful that Medicaid paid for the routine exam and cleaning so that I didn't walk around with a face full of infection for months without knowing it. In any case, my options are: pay OOP, get the tooth pulled, or take a chance on antibiotics killing the infection. I'm going with the first option, but I do not have regular work because since moving back to NYS, I've been making a whole lot of space and time for traveling to discern with various communities. I have been relying with immense gratit...

As 2015 comes to a close, I remember the joys, not the sorrows. I recall the unexpected blessings, not the disappointments.  I hold in my heart the sunrises over the Wasatch Mountains, the gift of the computer I'm typing on, my new friends in Utah whom I love, my old friends in New York and Massachusetts who have taught me lessons and supported me. I give thanks for the beauty of the ocean at sunrise here at Nantasket Beach where I stayed last night. I am exceedingly grateful for the foundation grant which will assist me in my student loan payments while I am in formation once I enter a religious community. I choose to focus on these blessings, not on the discomfort I may feel in the uncertainty of my future, my current lack of a "home of my own," and other factors.  Disappointments, discomfort and disarray are a part of life. There is nothing any of us can do to avoid this truth. The Buddha Dharma teaches that "Suffering exists." As a Catholic, I ac...

Thank you for those who sent in more questions! Here are my best attempts at answering them. 1. "Anonymous" asked about celibacy , especially for a person who had led a sexually active life in the past. It's one thing to enter a celibate lifestyle as a virgin, it's another to have been married, etc. and then choose a life of consecrated celibacy. What about the aspect of being "best friends" with your husband - the emotional intimacy, private jokes, etc. How does one give that up or explain to a younger woman that she is giving all that up if she wants to be a nun? These are excellent points and questions, and they speak to a few truths about living the celibate life.  The celibate life is only a good thing if you are called to it! This is part of what is discerned by the woman and the proposed community. If someone who is called to live married life tries to live a celibate life, she probably will become bitter and won't be best able to liv...

Over the past few months, I've had many interactions with friends of mine that go way back - 20, 25, even 35 years - and they have asked some very good questions about this whole "discerning a vocation" business. I also picked up that a few of them had some concerns, which is a natural reaction, I think, if the process and the spiritual life inherent in the process is unfamiliar to them. Not to mention the actual concept of monastic or religious life. And for some, me returning to the Catholic faith and wanting to live a life within that context has been troubling. With all this in mind, I figured it might be good to do an FAQ.  Please click on the links I've provided for more info on specific topics and experiences. If you have any other questions, please send me a comment. Thanks for reading! 1.   I have been discerning a religious vocation (to become a sister or a nun) for almost four years, now. In that time, I have met with several and very different re...

As you know if you read this blog, I am discerning a religious vocation, which means that I feel the call to become a religious sister. A nun, actually, meaning that I am called to contemplative life. Daughters of Charity of St. Vincent DePaul http://stpatricksconventschool.blogspot.com /2012/03/three-nuns-at-ball-game.html Some folks, well many folks, still think of nuns as circa 1955 with flying buttresses on their heads, vows of silence, self-flagellation, and other eerie and dysfunctional behaviors. For certain, there were some practices that have been done away with. Others never really existed in the first place.  Active apostolate sisters have been out in the world with and without modified habits for longer than you think. But contemplatives are still out there too, in monasteries both rural and urban. I encourage you to look around in your local diocese or archdiocese for women's monastic orders and get to know them by going to Mass there, or even staying ove...

I promised in my last post that my next post (that is, this post) wouldn't be three months away. See? In certain circles, the term "discernment," as in "I'm trying to discern God's will for me," or "I'm in discernment," is used frequently. I have no problem with that. If you are struggling to find the "whys" of your life, you're discerning. It doesn't mean you have to be thinking about becoming a priest or a monk or a nun. You may already be living your vocation, but you could be unsure as to the why or the how of living that vocation fully and with joy. You might have the feeling inside that there is still something more, something elusive calling you... where? If this is the case, what you're feeling is the pull and tug of a God who loves you and wants you to live more deeply in God's life and peace. So you enter into discernment, and that's a good thing! But I've noticed with people that sometimes mo...

I started writing this while I was in Carmel for my three week live-in... Anyone who thinks that living in a monastery is like being on vacation with nothing to do but gaze at the sky (or one's navel) and float piously down polished hallways and golden garden paths has never lived in a monastery. That being said, the hallways are pretty well polished, and while the garden paths aren't without tufts of grass and dried leaves, they are beautiful to behold. Keeping up an 88-year old monastery is hard work, and despite the physical limitations of several of the older sisters, things get done. There is help, of course, with regular workmen to do the heavy duty stuff like tree-trimming and painting, but by and large, these women live in community with each other, with God as their center, and hard work is part of the package. This is no house of laziness or effete living. I've been here almost two weeks, with one week and a half left to go. I've settled in fairl...