Mash the Gas

Stress. A friend of mine and I had a conversation last night about "good" stress vs. "bad" stress vs. "you" stress. We established that this "you" stress is a bunch of bullshit. Stress is either "good" (a job interview, learning how to surf, going to the gym at the end of a long day, starting a new story, etc.) or "bad" (you burn the dinner, your dog is run over, you find someone else's panties in your bed, etc.).

I recognize that some events are not bad in and of themselves; rather, how we perceive them and how they impact our subconscious mind are actually what causes the bad stress. Nevertheless, the result is the same. Bad stress makes you sick. It weakens your immune system, it depletes your adrenal system, it causes muscle pain, headaches, lack of sleep, etc. It makes you a Grumpus Maximus. It is bad. That's why it's called bad stress.

At work, I've noticed more bad stress amidst our staff due to a change over in our personnel and other related issues, as well as my own perceptions of my commitments at work and outside of work. I've noticed my responses to this bad stress haven't been glowing. In fact, they have pretty well sucked. These are deep-seated responses that have shown up time and again for me. It's time I put a stop to them, so I decided a couple weeks ago to stay very open and aware when those feels come over me.

Pema Chodron talks about remaining soft when hurtful things come at us, things that would make us angry and hard and defensive. I'm giving this an honest try - to see where I am really hurting and how those things are pushing my buttons. In some cases, I'm reacting to a stressor that's not really there in front of me. I see something that isn't there because I'm already poised to pounce from surrounding circumstances that have primed me - it's those stressors that trigger my breakdown and manifestation of my Worst Self.

As usual, Apolo Ohno comes through right on target with today's tweet:

Face ur fears
Understand ur insecurities
Demolish self doubt
YOU are in control, so drive carefully and mash the gas. #InspireYourself

I think it's the first 3 lines that resonate most with me right now. As a Buddhist, I believe that every negative reaction is caused by fear on a deeper level. Many layers of fear; fear that was established at a young age, then charged and recharged, played and replayed throughout a life time. The insecurities are there, too, feeding the fear. Self-doubt loves to chew up the authentic, brave parts of ourselves that want to face the fears.

Being in control... this is a sticky wicket. Are any of us really in control? Control is illusion, Buddhists believe. Christians say "Let go and let God." Control is something we want to have, we crave, but we don't ever really possess. I might choose a different term here, with all respect to Apolo. I might say "You are powerful." Having power is different from being in control. Recognizing and releasing your power comes from facing your fears, defusing and diffusing them, clearing the way for your best self to manifest. And then, yes, by all means, mash the gas. (By the way, I had to look up what that meant. It's a southern slang that means "press the gas pedal.")

So I'm here looking at myself under the pressures of bad stress, watching how things build up and what happens when they do. It's not pretty, people. It's not a walk in Affirmation Park. It means being honest and not holding back when I see the worst part of myself coming home to roost. It also means - and this is a biggie for me - not judging myself. Not finding that Worst Self and then saying, "Aha! You dirty rat! You screw everything up for me! Back into the dungeon with you!" Poor Worst Self! Worst Self needs that defusing and diffusing, so it can be reabsorbed into the authentic, powerful self that is here to do amazing things. I believe that's called Enlightenment, by the way. Not such a lofty goal, really. A very human one, though, certainly.

Stress will not go away. There will always be bad things to react to. And because I am human, there will always be old roots of fear that will find ways to sprout between cracks in the pavement of my conscious mind. In other words, this is an on-going process. There will be moments I am ready to mash the gas, and there will be times when I have to brake and pull over so I can get a grip. I'm prepared to do both.