The Immortals

It's been a long time since I went to a movie in the theater and thought on my way out, "Well that just sucked a whole lot of 3-D ass." Okay, actually I'd ever thought that particular thought before tonight.

Please, save yourself and anyone you care about from going to this movie. Here's the thing: I really didn't like 300, but this movie, made by the same folks who brought us the Spartans with six packs, was worthless. It wasn't even as good as 300, and I never thought I'd hear myself saying that.

It was disjointed, visually confusing, completely over the top gory-bloody - not in a Tarantino spurting blood kind of way, but in a "this is how fucked up humans can be to each other and it's horrid because we actually did this shit and now we're going to show it to you because we CAN MUWAHAHAHA" kind of way.

What. The. Fuck. We paid $29 for two pairs of 3-D glasses to have our senses pummeled by shitty story telling, stupid dialogue, characters we didn't give a rat's ass about, and Olympians who were LAME AS SHIT.

Olympians, that's right. They should have lightning bolts shooting out their eyes and power over the elements and magical laser beam weapons that can't be broken. They fought just like the humans did, only when they fought, the Titans' bodies sliced into twisted pieces with even more blood, only in SLOW MOTION. That was their power of the gods. Zeus was like, "I'll kick your sorry asses and rip your head off and slice you in twain. IN SLOW MOTION MOTHER FUCKERS!" The only thing the slow motion did was to slow the editing pace down a fraction of a second.

The lamest thing? Zeus, instead of USING the fucking never-ending-supply-of-ghost-arrows Epirus Bow everyone SPENT THE ENTIRE MOVIE CHASING DOWN, goes and encases it in carbonite slams it into what's left of the Titan's rock prison with a hammer. Um, did it not occur to Zeus that he could've used that thing to save all his kids from getting slaughtered and then given it to Theseus (who found it, had it, and lost it) to finally destroy that asshole Hyperion?

Imagine all the virgin oracles I can seduce with this thing.

And Theseus, who we're supposed to be cheering for, is basically on a raging quest for vengeance (which the narrator tells us, TWICE, is righteous), and is rewarded for it in the end by being made a god. More Post-911 brainwashing bullshit if you ask me.

So do yourself a favor and don't ever see this movie, even if you find it used in the bargain bin at Best Buy in a couple years. Go rent "Clash of the Titans" (the classic stop-motion-animation 1981 cheese fest of awesomeness), or better yet, read the book.