WOW

And I don't mean World of Warcraft.

Okay, people, from the events of this morning, I believe the damn has broken, and I'm getting back with the flow instead of crashing up against solid rock as I have been for two and a half weeks.

You'll recall in my last posting the fact that I made a very basic mistake in a cover letter. So, I have learned a few things from that situation. Namely, that I have to stop trying so hard and give myself a chance to just be alive for a while. I know that sounds all corny and, well, California (okay, it also sounds like Ithaca). But really, I've been busily trying to fix everything - my relationship, other people's fucked-up-ness, my own fucked-up-ness, getting the PERFECT job that will lead me down the path of righteousness and wild success. After flying across the country with my cat to start a new life in a new land.

Jeebus, that's kind of a lot. For one person. In two weeks.

Okay, but here's the kicker. HOW I figured this all out came as a result of my surreal email exchange with the woman who owns the company I applied to and misspelled. I'm going to now give you the run down of this conversation, minus identifying details, obviously. If you have the interest and/or patience for this, do read on. Otherwise, suffice it to say that the Universe has once again whacked me on the side of the head with a 2 x 4 so that I can grok some truth. (But I think you'll want to read it. It's entertaining - especially at the end.)

Here goes:

Dear Elena,

Thank you for your application. I have reviewed your resume and unfortunately do not feel this would be a good fit for the position offered.

Best of luck in your endeavors.

- The Borg Queen

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Dear Ms. Ruler of Heaven, and Earth, and Every Goddamn Thing in Between (:45),

Thank you for your response. Since I am at the beginning stages of my job search here, I'd be interested in knowing exactly what about my background wasn't a good fit, if you have the time to share that with me, so that I can better tailor the jobs I apply for and how I present myself.

Thanks, again.

Best,
Elena

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Hi, Elena,

I really don't want to get into job counseling here but I will tell you that you misspelled my company name and right off the bat it showed a lack of attention to details and a tendency to rush.

Hope that helps.

- Maleficent

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(Okay, this next sentence written by me through tears of frustration, anger, embarrassment, etc. in an attempt at snarkiness.)

Thanks for you honesty.

Elena

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Hi,

Ok, again, honey, it's thank you for YOUR honesty. You wrote

Thank you for YOU honesty.

If English is your second language, you need to really check your grammar and spelling.

If it is not your second language then slow down and read over your writing before you send an email, text or letter.
It does not make you a strong applicant if you do not do these basic things.

Signed,
I-own-my-own-business-so-you-can-suck-it-sweetheart.

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(Oh, "honey," you do NOT want to go there with me. I am Elsie's daughter. I will slam you and hard and you won't realize it until tomorrow night when you're on the crapper. You will run out into the hallway with your leopard thong around your ankles, screaming into the night.)

Dear Meryl-Streep-in-Devil-Wears-Prada:

You are absolutely correct. My emails to you were rushed. I apologize for wasting your time.

I arrived here two weeks ago after my life as I knew it crashed and burned. Clearly, I need to take more time to settle in, calm down and get focused so that I don't make these stupid mistakes. I have two graduate degrees and have taught English as a Second Language at Cornell University. I'm better than this. Lesson learned. Thanks for your kindness and professionalism in teaching it to me.

-Elena

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(Aaaaand she didn't get the 'tude I was dishing!)

Dear Elena,

Yes, take a breath, a step back. Your resume shows you are dedicated and intelligent, but as someone who is going through a divorce, although my choice after 15 years, I can understand the need to feel strong and secure.

(MY NOTE: what the fuck does any of that sentence even mean? She starts talking about me and finishes by talking about herself with no real connecting idea. I was an English teacher, bitch. I give that one an F-)

You will find the right position, do some visioning on what you want, you will be surprised how powerful it can be. (MY NOTE: That was a triple comma splice, sweetheart. F-)

And don't be too hard on yourself.

Signed,
One-with-the-Universe-you-know-my-shit-don't-stink.

Upon reading this last email, I burst out laughing - real, honest to goodness laughter - because at this point I had already figured myself out, and all I could say was "Spaz Kitteh, I've a feeling we are not in Kansas any more."