Shining

After returning from my recon mission to L.A., I slid into a definite slump. Feeling scared and alone and unsure of myself. Ithaca's weather didn't help, I guarantee you that. It was overwhelming to return to the life here that I am in the process of closing out, knowing that I still have much to do before I move to L.A. on January 5th.

I haven't blogged about this before, but part of this move is about separating from my husband. We've been married for six and a half years, but it's time for both of us to move on. I won't get into specifics and dirty laundry, because I am not into public drama, but I will say that while I am grieving the end of this chapter in my life, I am bursting out of my skin with anticipation for the next chapter. The one I'm creating on my own, rooted in my dreams and my desires.

Here's what's amazing about all this: I'm making this very big move, knowing that I might fail, but also knowing that I may succeed beyond my wildest dreams. I've never been clearer in my life that there was someplace I needed to be, something I needed to be doing. This strength of vision and purpose is pushing me along like a current. Who am I to fight it?

During this challenging (but exciting!) transition period, I've adopted a new mantra:

Everything is an opportunity.

And I mean everything. For example, last night I went to a workshop for artists on how to make the most of social media. As I was getting ready to go, I caught a candid glimpse of my paunch in the mirror before I had a chance to suck in my gut, which I usually do before I look at my own profile. Horrifying.

I pushed it out of my mind and got dressed to go to the workshop. Which was fairly useless in its appeal to absolute beginners (what is Facebook? what's a profile? what's a page? - yeah, I'm all set thanks). I left after 45 minutes.

As soon as I walked out the door, my mind went back to the image of me in the mirror, and I remembered that my Planet Fitness bag was still in the trunk of the car (since last spring). As soon as I got to the car, I opened the trunk and checked out the contents of the bag: trainers, check, pants, check, sports bra, check, Ithaca League of Women Rollers tank top, check, jacket, check, lock and key, check. I didn't have clean socks in there, but I figured I could just wear the ones I had on. No one would see my argyles under the yoga pants, right? I had my water bottle and my iPod with me, so without further ado, I got in my car and drove straight to Planet Fitness.

I met with a trainer (read about what happened with last year's attempt at working with a PF trainer), who set me up with an awesome routine that is doable and focuses on strengthening my core and my legs. I'm set for 3 nights a week, about an hour per session. Rock. On.

I turned a disappointing evening into a night of awesomesauce!

I've applied this approach to every situation I've run into this week, and I gotta say, it beats the hell out of feeling stressed and out of sorts when things don't go as expected.

"Everything is an opportunity" goes hand-in-hand with my other favorite mantra from Apolo Ohno, "Zero Regrets." How can you have any regrets if you meet every circumstance as an opportunity?

It's also a fairly Buddhistly bent notion. We Buddhists like to thank our enemies for giving us a chance to practice Dharma, but I've always had difficulty bending my mind around that one. I've had a tough time saying to myself,

"Even though you're being a total dickhead right now, I am grateful that you are offering me a chance to practice loving kindness in the face of your ass-hat behavior."

Call me small-minded, call me weak. Call me a taxi, I don't care. For me, viewing everything in life as an opportunity is really saying the same thing, and for whatever reason, the concept works for me. I feel like I'm opening doors and windows that previously had been nailed shut by my own hard-line, piss-pot attitudes.

And so, to wrap this up, I will share one of my favorite songs that echoes this post:

O sole mio!

But another sun,
that's brighter still,
It's my own sun

(English translation, O sole mio)

The time has come, at last, for me to stop wondering what happened to my hopes and dreams and start living them, by the light of my own sun (so to speak). Thus, toward the end of September, I'll be heading to L.A. (land of sunshine and broken shining dreams) to find a job and work in the industry I've been dying to get into for many years. Is it scary? I'm crapping my pants a little. Is it exciting? I'm still cleaning up the crappy pants, but yes. This is the future I've always been afraid to chase down. I remember very clearly after finishing my MFA in film how I watched many of my colleagues and classmates head out to L.A. That was a few years ago, and most of them have careers they love. Don't get me wrong - I enjoy teaching - but I need to stop hiding behind the podium.

I've also recently become reacquainted with aspects of my past self (the one that spawned all these dreams): playing violin (I am so severely out of practice), drawing (abstract representations of my imagination), and reading good scifi and fantasy. These are the endeavors that fed my soul for many years. Slowly over time, I somehow allowed the best parts of myself to erode, became a little less bright, a little more tarnished, even darkened altogether. What was I thinking? Well it doesn't matter now, because I'm back.

I have a plan in place, which involves finishing up my responsibilities here in Ithaca, then going to visit my family (because who knows when I'll get back to Boston if I'm on the West Coast working my a$$ off), then the Serling Conference (Sept. 9 - 10, registration is now open!), then couch surfing in L.A. until such time as I can figure out my new life.

This is the beginning of a new adventure, and new adventures always involve risk. At the very least, if I fail miserably, I will know that I have made my best effort, and I won't die with a giant "What if I'd only..." skulking around the back of my mind. In the words of my boy Apolo: zero regrets!

Mash the Gas

Stress. A friend of mine and I had a conversation last night about "good" stress vs. "bad" stress vs. "you" stress. We established that this "you" stress is a bunch of bullshit. Stress is either "good" (a job interview, learning how to surf, going to the gym at the end of a long day, starting a new story, etc.) or "bad" (you burn the dinner, your dog is run over, you find someone else's panties in your bed, etc.).

I recognize that some events are not bad in and of themselves; rather, how we perceive them and how they impact our subconscious mind are actually what causes the bad stress. Nevertheless, the result is the same. Bad stress makes you sick. It weakens your immune system, it depletes your adrenal system, it causes muscle pain, headaches, lack of sleep, etc. It makes you a Grumpus Maximus. It is bad. That's why it's called bad stress.

At work, I've noticed more bad stress amidst our staff due to a change over in our personnel and other related issues, as well as my own perceptions of my commitments at work and outside of work. I've noticed my responses to this bad stress haven't been glowing. In fact, they have pretty well sucked. These are deep-seated responses that have shown up time and again for me. It's time I put a stop to them, so I decided a couple weeks ago to stay very open and aware when those feels come over me.

Pema Chodron talks about remaining soft when hurtful things come at us, things that would make us angry and hard and defensive. I'm giving this an honest try - to see where I am really hurting and how those things are pushing my buttons. In some cases, I'm reacting to a stressor that's not really there in front of me. I see something that isn't there because I'm already poised to pounce from surrounding circumstances that have primed me - it's those stressors that trigger my breakdown and manifestation of my Worst Self.

As usual, Apolo Ohno comes through right on target with today's tweet:

Face ur fears
Understand ur insecurities
Demolish self doubt
YOU are in control, so drive carefully and mash the gas. #InspireYourself

I think it's the first 3 lines that resonate most with me right now. As a Buddhist, I believe that every negative reaction is caused by fear on a deeper level. Many layers of fear; fear that was established at a young age, then charged and recharged, played and replayed throughout a life time. The insecurities are there, too, feeding the fear. Self-doubt loves to chew up the authentic, brave parts of ourselves that want to face the fears.

Being in control... this is a sticky wicket. Are any of us really in control? Control is illusion, Buddhists believe. Christians say "Let go and let God." Control is something we want to have, we crave, but we don't ever really possess. I might choose a different term here, with all respect to Apolo. I might say "You are powerful." Having power is different from being in control. Recognizing and releasing your power comes from facing your fears, defusing and diffusing them, clearing the way for your best self to manifest. And then, yes, by all means, mash the gas. (By the way, I had to look up what that meant. It's a southern slang that means "press the gas pedal.")

So I'm here looking at myself under the pressures of bad stress, watching how things build up and what happens when they do. It's not pretty, people. It's not a walk in Affirmation Park. It means being honest and not holding back when I see the worst part of myself coming home to roost. It also means - and this is a biggie for me - not judging myself. Not finding that Worst Self and then saying, "Aha! You dirty rat! You screw everything up for me! Back into the dungeon with you!" Poor Worst Self! Worst Self needs that defusing and diffusing, so it can be reabsorbed into the authentic, powerful self that is here to do amazing things. I believe that's called Enlightenment, by the way. Not such a lofty goal, really. A very human one, though, certainly.

Stress will not go away. There will always be bad things to react to. And because I am human, there will always be old roots of fear that will find ways to sprout between cracks in the pavement of my conscious mind. In other words, this is an on-going process. There will be moments I am ready to mash the gas, and there will be times when I have to brake and pull over so I can get a grip. I'm prepared to do both.

Step by step

I've been working on a new screenplay, and this time I started with a step outline instead of a time-line. The difference is astounding - and I'm finding that this tool more than any other is made for me. The irony here is that all of our advanced screenwriting students at Ithaca College are required to do this as part of their writing process, but I'd never done it myself until now. I'd always eschewed it as a waste of time when I could be writing, but I now know that writing a step outline IS writing. Oh, this is like discovering a new country and planting a flag or something.

Appropriately enough, I've found lately that the step by step approach to my entire life is a much easier, stress-free way of setting and meeting goals. I am feeling energized and excited about the momentum this year. In the words of Apolo Anton Ohno, who I've come to admire for his spirit, commitment and positive focus, "No regrets!"